Plateaus: An Internal Dialogue

June 8, 2015: 287 pounds

It's been four days since I got the joyous news that, after only one week of conscious eating and major dental work, I weighed in at 285 and lost my first ten pounds. At that rate, I figured, I should be back in size 34 jeans by the end of the summer. So I doubled my efforts, counted my calories, and did everything right. And now I am up 2 pounds to 287. Here's how the dialogue in my head went this morning:

Me: Well that's a fine thing. I guess the diet is over and I'm back on the way up to 300 pounds.

Me: Don't be such a drama-llama. You've done this before. You know that weight loss isn't a steady line straight down. And you're a big guy. Two pounds is just water weight that fluctuates throughout the day.

Me: So you say.

Me: Step on the scale again. (After ten minutes and a shower) back to 285. Maybe you have a point.

Me: Of course I have a point. I'm the rational side of your brain. System 2. Points are my thing. 

Me: But still, even at 285, I haven't lost any weight. After FOUR WHOLE DAYS. By this time last week, I had already lost five pounds.

Me: Yeah, but all you could eat was yogurt and Malt-O-Meal. You didn't have functional teeth. That's not how it normally works.

Me: But still, I have been pretty much perfect this past four days. Even the calorie-counter app says I should have lost a pound by now.

Me: That's not how it works..

Me: It should. What's the point of being good if I don't see it working? Ima go to the China Buffet.

Me: DON'T YOU DARE. REMEMBER, YOU'RE NOT ON A DIET; YOU ARE RENEGOTIATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO FOOD. AND NO BUFFETS.

Me: Then I'll go to Dunkin Doughnuts. I promise, no more than six.

Me: NO. You know, lots of doctors say that you should only weigh yourself once a week--that's so you don't let these daily ups and downs get you all off track like they are doing.

Me: Yeah, like that's going to happen. Some people just don't understand compulsive personalities. How about just some Reeses Pieces for breakfast?

Me: NO. Stick it out. Just put on your gray herring bone jacket and notice how much better it fits than the last time you wore it.

Me: Well, it does kind of fit better. I can button both buttons.

Me: Nobody buttons both buttons. Get some fashion sense.